Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
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so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
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The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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