at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
