My cat gives me a boner
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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