If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
