After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
