Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
