I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
