i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
