I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
