Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
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Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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