New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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