textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
