Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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