last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
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He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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