so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
