this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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