I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
