I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
