i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
