so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Found the puke drawer
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
