She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
