Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
