Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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