I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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