My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
