This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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