I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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