just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
