when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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