My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
