Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I could fuck to npr.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
