I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
