I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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