Will you blow on my dice?
My first STD was from a foam party
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
