So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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