I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
