she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
