Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
