how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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