I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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