i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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