He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
