i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I am available for nakedness
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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