I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
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it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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