I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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