seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
