I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
