In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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