It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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