Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
