3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
