Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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