dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
