There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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