if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
