i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
