Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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